• Jumana Sophia

Your Man is Not Your Bitch


And that’s a good thing.

Sitting in circle with about a dozen of the women I most trust and respect in this world, I witnessed something amazing.

In that circle of women, most iterations of betrayal and pain in relationship to a man were present. Infidelity, abandonment, emotional manipulation, neglect, addiction, degradation, condescension, multiple divorces, aggression, financial exploitation, you name it.

Not to mention that over half of the women in that circle were recovered from sexual abuse or rape.

And yet what was being spoken? Well, these are women of power and wisdom. They’ve loved hard and wild and learned again and again the hard way. They weren’t rolling on endless iterations of all that their men did wrong.

They weren’t lamenting all that they did wrong either.

Instead, honest realizations about the ways they had jeopardized the intimacy and trust in their relationships with men through endless criticism, control, and undermining self-righteousness.

How often they didn’t see or acknowledge what love was given because it was never enough, never good enough, never quite just the way they wanted it.

Their own cowardice, the fears that made them compromise in the face of needing to speak truth, to leave, to set themselves and their men free.

Their addiction to fantasy, to seeing what they wanted to see rather than honoring the reality of what was.

Transparency about the way they’ve mothered the men in their lives and made them into children rather than relating to them as kings.

Every woman in that circle was looking toward every other woman with both love and a sword. Yes, that was hard, yes that was unfair, yes that was confusing and painful and distorted and disappointing. We feel you. We’re holding you. Intimacy can elicit the best and worst of all of us. And, now let’s get to the point. Let’s get to where you have the most power and get clear - what did you choose and now what will you choose? Who will you become, what will you now choose to embody and give voice to?

These women are love artists, learning over time what it is to evolve from an entitled princess into a true queen, what it is to relate to a man as a king, to uphold his power through her own. They realize how they’ve pushed away and crushed the very things they yearn to receive - presence, intimacy, respect, trust. They’re seeing clearly that love and respect can’t be demanded, criticized or controlled into being. If a man’s heart isn’t freely given, it isn’t ever truly given.

What moved me about these women was the way they named the hidden inheritance that emasculates the men in our lives, and then the way they looked with courage and honesty at the cost of that distorted legacy. They turned away from the opportunity to further diminish either themselves or the men in their lives. They saw the emptiness, the endless emotional poverty of that path. It’s an almost impossible honesty to find without the clear reflections of other women who share a vow to deep integrity and an uncompromising commitment to the true potential of Woman.

I know to say “your man is not your bitch” isn’t the most elegant articulation, but I mean it. Your man is not your bitch, and that is such a good thing.

I hope you feel me, and I hope you feel the strong heart of womankind, triumphing over all of the mess and usury, the oppression and entitlement we have inherited, men and women both.

But if not, I guess that’s ok. Thankfully, I’m nobody’s bitch either.